When I teach on microaggressions inside my program REPRESENTED, the most discussed question by my students from the examples I share is “Where Are You From?” There is so much curiosity when white people see people of colour that they can’t help but ask where they are from.
Most of the time, I’ve found that question comes from a place of genuine curiosity. When I was asked that question when I first arrived in Australia more than 20 years ago, I answered it without giving much thought to the intention behind the question. I wasn’t from Australia then and so it felt like an ok question to start a conversation.
But with time that question has gone from being a good icebreaker to a constant reminder of the fact that I am different or that in the opinion of the person asking the question, there’s no way I could be from “here”. And even if I was born in Australia, the question would proceed with what about your parents? The questioning doesn’t end until the white person is satisfied they can place you. It goes from, I’m interested in getting to know you to an interrogation of sorts.
Maybe you’ve found yourself in that position too? Riding at the front or the back of an Uber and asking the driver where they are from as a first point of conversation. Whilst the intention you have may be “good”, it’s the flow on effect it has on the person on the receiving end.
Let me give you an example of how this very conversation played out not long ago after I delivered a keynote address. I shared on the topic Representation Matters and could tell by the look on the attendees faces that the message I was delivering was moving them emotionally. There were many nods, some even shed tears and some had shock written all over their faces. I was sharing part of my story and how now more than ever representation matters. Upon finishing and spending time mingling with the attendees, one of the white women approached me and it went something like this.
Them: You’ve lived in Australia for over 20 years wow where are you from?
Me: Perth
Them: No originally, where are you from?
Me: I’m originally from Kenya
Them: I visited Kenya a few years ago. We went to the biggest slam called Kibera. We support a family with little children. It’s so heartbreaking the conditions they live in. We’ve been working towards electricity in their home.
Me: That’s great
Them: Is your family from around that area?
Me: No
Them: Really? You must be so happy to live in Australia
Me: I love Australia but I miss Kenya too
Them: You do?
Me: Yes I do. I live in Australia by choice. I haven’t been back home in almost 4 years now due to Covid but as soon as I can I’ll be returning on holiday.
Them: We also haven’t been able to return to Kenya and when we can we’d love to visit the family we support.
Now on the surface that conversation might just seem normal to you, no ill intentions there and in all honesty, I feel her intentions were well meaning (I choose to believe that). But they were loaded and prejudice. I felt really uncomfortable. This is just one of several conversations that seem to go down that path of white saviourism. It sends the message that the only lens a white person can look at countries in Africa through is one of lack, ravaged by disease and poverty.
Whilst the question “where are you from? ” is not necessarily a harmful one on the surface, but it’s the message it is sending the person being asked that question. The constant reminder of not belonging or as Adam Rutherford aptly put it in his book “How to Argue With a Racist”, “what they are really asking is why do you look the way you do?”
Now let’s take a step back and define what a microaggression is. It’s a subtle, indirect, or unintentional form of discrimination or bias against a particular group of people. It often leaves one feeling embarrassed or humiliated. (Ref. Oxford dictionary)
I’ve yet to come across more conversations where after finding out where I’m from the conversation is one of joy, stimulating conversation about the culture, food and customs that make us the amazing Kenyans we are. It’s often one depicting negativity, pain and suffering.
This is a great time to pause and ask yourself, when you’ve been in conversation with people of colour in particular Black people from Africa have your thoughts been around the dominant narrative in the media about the negative outlook of Africa which has then steered your conversation or has it been from a positive perspective?
What we consume shapes our thoughts about certain places and people. If all you are consuming about people of colour is negative, it will come through in your conversations, even when you don’t intend them to.
The next time you see a person of colour, resist the urge of asking them where they are from. Instead, try having a conversation with them that’s engaging for both of you and in doing so, you may find out where they are from as it comes up in conversation organically and initiated by them and not you.
Here are some alternatives you can use instead of asking where are you from:
💛 How are you?
💛 How’s your day going?
💛 What plans do you have for the rest of your day?
💛 What’s bringing you joy?
Or perhaps one of the most beautiful questions I recently read on an Instagram post from my friend Kemi Nekvapil…”What has opened your heart recently?”
Of course there needs to be a level of familiarity to ask some of these questions but don’t forget asking a person of colour where they are from, originally… is almost like asking them to lay out their family tree for you (a complete stranger).
Inside my signature program REPRESENTED we cover microaggressions and so much more. The constant feedback I receive from my students is…”I didn’t know I was excluding…there’s so much I didn’t know.” If you’d love to be part of these conversations and in a space with other like-hearted humans doing the inner-work of racial equity, join the waitlist for the next round of REPRESENTED in September.
Has this been helpful? Let me know in the comments below.
With Love,
Annie
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